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How Guys and Girls
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Why Guys Really Like Girls

1. The way girls walk. Many girls have a certain grace and smoothness to the way they move that guys just don't have. Not the ones I know, anyway.

2. They are smarter than me. Sure, I may know what play to call on a 3rd and long with a minute left to play, but she knows how to make me forget the game is on.

3. The way girls walk, smile, laugh, sleep, and especially the way they cry are all very appealing. There is nothing more in the world any heterosexual male wants to do than take care of a pretty girl any way he can. For sure, any guy would like it when a girl would depend on them, and feel safe around them.

4. What is most appealing about girls is the real scent of a girl, I'm not talking perfume or anything perverted here, just what happens when they are about a foot away. Combine that with a smile and light conversation makes the day complete.

5. The way girls kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world. The gentleness of their touch, the tenderness in their kisses and the whisper of a moan when we please them.

6. How cute girls are when they eat. They take little bites of a food. I could watch for hours and never get bored.

7. The way girls take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while. They know what to wear that will drive me wild.

8. Because girls are always warm or is it because they are so hott that it makes me warm.

9. I like the way they think of the details of social interactions ahead of time. For the life of me, I can't remember birthdays and anniversaries. But I've yet to meet a girl who has forgotten my birthday after finding it out, or who has forgotten that I love the colours blue and black, and sometimes red.

10.The way girls fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth. They're also much, much better looking than anything else around, and are about the only things on earth worth holding, cuddling with, or kissing.

11. How cute girls are when they argue. They get all sad and you forget that they were the one wrong and end up saying that you are sorry.

12. The way their hand always finds yours. Their beauty. The skin, the hair, the legs, the shape. That delicious area behind the ear. The primped hands, the cute toes. The scent.

13. The way girls smile. I like that almost all girls are pretty, especially when they decide to let go of their cares for a minute and smile. It's like somebody turned on the lights. Girls in all shapes and sizes when they walk down the hall with that wiggle... damn.

14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight

15. The way that even the toughest girl has an inner china doll that is pretty, and delicate, if you have the patience to look for it.

16. The way girls kiss when you do something nice for them. The way girls kiss you when you say 'I love you' Actually ...just the way girls kiss you...

17. The way a girl can be so naturally nurturing to others whether of her own family or not. There's an ease a girl has with interacting with children that simply amazes me every time I witness it...

18. The way they think. Not that they all think alike, but for the most part, girls think differently than guys, and that forces me to see things in ways that I'd never considered. Plus, when they're smart, and they've got a great voice, they're sexy as hell.

19. The way girls are willing (and sometimes even excited) about offering advice and helping me polish off my rough spots.

20. The way they are caring, they cry over absolutely nothing, they are afraid of liitle harmless creatures. I`ve always liked the silly way they play hard to get when guys are running after them.

21. The way girls hit you and expect it to hurt. And sometimes it does.

22.Then the way girls apologize when it does hurt.(even though we don't admit it)!

23.Their maternal instinct. When you are down or had a bad day or generally feel like shit, they try to make you feel better. Whether its running their fingers thru your hair or holding your hand or asking if you would like something. They want to be there for you.

24.The way girls say 'I miss you' The way you miss them

25.The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....

Girls have the ablilty to alter the nature of a guy, in spite of himself. The most quiet, tough, stone-faced guys I have ever known have behaved tenderly, sensitively, and even wrote poems in their own clumsy way, over girls, often without being asked. The most mild-mannered, unimposing guys will swell up like enraged bulls for them at the mere implication that a girl would like him to do so at that particular moment. I don't dispute that this is manipulation. I might even go so far as to agree that this might be where our ancient forefathers got the idea of witchcraft. But I have seen this used for good as well as evil. The ability to show a guy a side of himself, of which he was previously unaware, is a valuable gift. Love for that special girl is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling, not seen but only felt.

Why Girls Really Like Guys.

1. Humour, with no pick-up lines, hotness, attractive to the girl, their personality has to be sweet - Shelby Hobbs

2. Someone that I can have a good time with but also someone I can have a serious relationship. Someone that understands me and cares and treats me well and doesn't pressure me into things I don't want to do and I can have fun with even if all we do is walk in the mall or whatever. - Steph

3. Someone that's not normal but not that different...he's gotta be taller that me and he's gotta have a sense of humor...preferably rocker, emo, or goth...I have a soft spot in my heart for them...has to like me 4 who I am and can't want me to change...when I say normal I mean he can't be totally obsessed with his looks and crap like that. - Liz

4. Someone who can always be himself no matter what, will cheer you up when your down, who knows the limitations of corny jokes - yet he can still make you laugh with his sense of humor - he isnt afraid to tell you how he feels and will do anything for you. Lisa

5. I like a guy who can make me laugh, when i talk to them in a serious way though, they can tell. Guys are always warm even if they dont act like it. It catches my eye when they try to smile alot, even in sad times. Just all around sweet, and funny, and still isn't a complete girl himself.... - Kiley

6. The voice. Most guys have way better voice than girls. So I usually like singing guys better than girls. When I look at some special man, he must have just a few things: a wonderful smile and nice eyes. And, of course the most sexy thing on a man: intelligence

7. I could say that it's easier to deal with guys because they don't get as emotional as girls do or that they react in a more logical fashion to things, but that again, would only be true about SOME of the guys vs. SOME of the girls. I have to agree with the 'equipment' comment because, you gotta have a man and his equipment to have sex the real and natural way. - Jenn

8. I like that with my father I feel that 'safe' feeling, that nothing could hurt me if he was there, because he would take care of me. I feel that with my boyfriend, as well, but in a different way. With my b/f, I like how he makes me feel loved (and a million other things! Not enough room for it all!). - Jill

9. I have no idea how to answer that. I'm sitting here trying to come up with one good reason and I'm stumped. But I love guys, so it's a bit baffling. *thinking* Guys are funny, both intentionally and unintentionally. I love that they're so serious and such goofballs at the same time.

10. Guys smell differently. Often times, I don't find their scents particularly engaging, but every now and then, I find a male that smells nice... and you won't find a woman that smells like that -- even if she prefers to wear guys' cologne [ugh].

11. I like when a man cries. I don't mean the 90s-in-touch-with-your-inner-child type of crying. I mean the standing in the rain, soaked to the bone, looking at your loved one's grave type of crying. When I see a man cry like that, I'll break down every time. It kills me. Because I know his entire world has to have come apart for him to be doing it.

12. I like it that a real gentleman is a little (LITTLE) possessive. I like that he doesn't allow anyone to treat me with disrespect. I like it that he puts me on a pedestal. I like it that he likes it that I depend on him (a LITTLE). I like it that he doesn't worry about what to wear, or what other people are thinking about what he's wearing, while at the same time looking good. - Sara

13. What I like most about guys, besides the obvious sexual thing, is that they're not girls. I have never had a man seriously ask me 'Do these slacks make my ass look big?' - Allison

14. Lately, what I've been appreciating most about guys is how they're more likely to be straightforward and not take things personally. In a non-intimate-relationship setting, that is SO much easier to deal with.

15. I don't particularly care for girls (can ya tell?!?) and have had mainly male friends for my entire life. It's just *so* much easier. Even when the guy gets weird and has a crush on you it's still preferrable to the average female friendship any day.(I'm speaking generally, of course - don't want to get a bunch of girls pissed off at me.) - Natalie

16. I like that guys are easy. I may not always be in the mood, but when I am, I know how easy it will be to convince him. - Saha

17. I like hairy guys, that need to shave, hard muscles, guy skin, big hands and feet, and musky guy smells. Oh, and strong arms and the back of guy's necks when they have short hair. - Courtney

18. I love guys because they're little boys who never grow up. The fun is finding that little boy and bringing him back to life.

19. I like the fact that guys-- even flaming gay guys-- will tend to think in different patterns than girls, and will tend to discuss different topics. I like the way that a guy's back is shaped.

20. I am low maintenence and guys are low maintenence. Guys are easier to just be yourself with and have fun. - Rose

21. You can have an argument with them and they won't hold a grudge about it for 15 years. - Rebecca

22. One of the things I like about guys is that most of them aren't crazy, where as most girls seem to be. With guys, you don't have to be as concerned about your appearance as you do with girls. Of course, above all else, intelligence and a good sense of humor. - Melissa

23. Their shyness. No matter how old they get guys act like flustered 12-year olds around a pretty girl.

24. I find guys (even gay guys) to be lower maintenance than girls. They have that whole 'laid back' thing going on that most girls don't seem to have.

25. I like it when guys are attentive and protective. For example: opening doors, offering to carry heavy things, helping me, and walking with me when it's dark. - Missy

Things That Guys Wished Girls Knew

I keep getting emails telling me what girls wish guys would know. These are the things guys would like girls to know.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Birthdays, Valentines' Day and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.
7. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
8. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
12. A headache that lasts 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.
13. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
14. Have the oil checked.
15. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take 'the quiz' from Cosmo together.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 24 hours.
17. If you don't like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.
21. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
22. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
23. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
24. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
25. Anyone can buy condoms.

Things That Girls Wished Guys Knew

Wow I never knew this until a girl sent me this and told me to study it so that I would know for the future....lol Was she right?

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, 'Can I take a photo of you?' she'll hear the words '__to show my buddies.' At least let her have custody of them.
11. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
19. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
20. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
21. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
22. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
23. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

The Difference Between Guys and Girls

1. A guy will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A girl will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband. A guy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful guy makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful girl is one who can find such a guy.

4. When a relationship ends, a girl will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots'. Then she will get on with her life. A guy has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bitch. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us'.

5. Married guys live longer than single guys - but married guys are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married guy should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing

7. Guys wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Girls somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A girl marries a guy expecting he will change, he doesn't. A guy marries a girl expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A girl has the last word in any argument. Anything a guy says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a guy doesn't understand a girl - before marriage & after marriage.

11. A guy has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical girl's bathroom is 337. A guy would not be able to identify most of these items.

12. Girls love cats. Guys say they love cats, but when girls aren't looking, guys kick cats.

13. A girl will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A guy will dress up for weddings and funerals.

14. A girl knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A guy is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

15. A girl wants one guy to satisfy her every need. A guy wants every girl to satisfy his one need.

16. Girls mature much faster than guys. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are playing video games and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

17. When a guy says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a girl says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

18. Guys are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Girls are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, bald guy's head.

19. Girls use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Guys use garages for guy things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

20. Guys see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A girl can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Why It's Great To Be A...

40 reasons it's great to be a guy:

A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and haircutter’s don’t rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Flowers fix everything.
You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never misconstrue innocuous statments ents to mean your lover is about to leave you
Hot wax never comes near you pubic area. One mood, all the time.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $2,000. Tux rental: $100.
You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
ESPN’s SportsCenter.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

40 reasons it's great to be a girl:

You won't starve without a can opener.
Your friends won't get drunk and hit on your sister.
Jeweller's and grocery stores won't rob you blind.
Short skirts will always cure Unemployment.
Male Pattern Baldness.
You're 5 times less likely to kill yourself.
'Heavy Lifting' isn't a necessity for ployment on your resume.
You'll never get a draft card.
You can distract an entire roomful of men just by reapplying lipstick.
You smell better. No matter what.
When you fight, you fight to kill.
You can cook your own food.
You see the humor in war.
You rule the bathroom.
Mo matter how long it takes to get ready, guys will always wait for you.
Sex means never having to finish the job.
It's ok for you to marry for money.
No one ever mistakes your chest for a bathmat.
You'll never have more hair in your nose than on your head.
You don't consider urination a competitive sport. .
You don't consider tomato sauce to be a fashion stat ent.
You'll always get served first in a hardware store.
Men are optional.
The Three Stooges don't live in your universe
You'll probably never have to change a lightbulb.
You never feel compelled to scratch yourself in public.
You can bend over in prison.
You can walk down the street without mentally undressing everyone around you.
You can always find a sucker to pump your gas for you.
You can wear your sister's clothes without making a major lifestyle adjustment..
Short girls are 'petite'. Short guys are 'midgets'.
Grooms all look the same. Everyone only wants to see the Bride.
No matter how ugly you are, you'll always be able to get laid.
No matter whose place you stay at, you'll always get the bed.
'Stagettes' are our little secret!
Someday you'll be a rich widow.
No matter what you do, you'll always be 'daddy's little girl' (this is not sexual, you perverts).
You don't consider farting to be the epitome of humour.
You secretly admire Loreena Bobbitt. .
Your idea of a good movie doesn't need 'Debbie does . . .' in the title.

Pick Up Lines that Are Just Plain Lame

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

Do you want to see something swell?

Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I am conducting a field test of how many woman have pierced nipples.

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off you blouse in a public place.

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

Pardon me, are you in heat?!

Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

So, you're a girl huh?

Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.

Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some friends because my face seats five.

You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.

You make my software turn to hardware!

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

To a girl with braces, and if you have them as well: 'Hey, wanna hook up sometime?'

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Pardon me, have you seen my missing Nobel Prize around here anywhere?

Are you accepting applications for your fan club?

Hey baby... drop that zero and get with the hero in other words... you better come with me.

Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?

My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to

Hi... would you fuck me? I'd fuck me, I'd fuck me real hard!!

Is your name Pepsi cause' I've gotta have it.

There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.....

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

When I first saw you, I knew we could win the Stanley Cup in tonsil hockey.

Want to taste my dick? (What!?!) I said, 'do you want to taste my drink?'

They call me 'coffee'. I grind so fine.

Can I stir your drink? Mind if I use my dick?

Which one of the Spice girls are you?

Male: Hey, I don't feel to good. Female: Why? Male: I feel like I have an elephant in my stomach. Female: What? Male: (looking down) I think his truck is already sticking out.

Weren't you at the tractor pull last night? I remember your tits.

Hi, my name is Doug. That's 'god' spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.

(Used while you and a male friend wear a bib. Walk up and stare at breasts) Mama!

This is a test of the emergency pick up line service. Beeeeeeeeeep. If you had been any less beautiful, you would have just heard a bad pick up line.

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

Guy: I bet you're a C-cup. Girl: How'd you know that? Guy: My testicles are the same size.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in

Did your father have sex with a carrot? Cause you've got nice eyes.

I'm bigger and better than the Titanic..... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic

Can I take you to the Bone-yard?

I may not be dairy queen but I'll treat you right!!!

Tickle your pussy with a feather? (What?) I said, 'Particularly nice weather.'

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

Did you just sit in a water puddle, or are you just happy to see me?

Damn, have you been eating beans and rice lately?

I have a .357 magnum pointed at your kidney. Wanna go get some coffee?

I just shit into my pants. Can I get into yours?

Do you like magic? (Yes or No) I want to cast a spell on you with my magic meat wand.

For what sort of person are you looking? Wait- don't tell me: medium height, blue eyes, etc...

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have warts, so will you.

Don't worry about the missing teeth. It just means that there is more room for your tongue.

Are you menstruating? If so, I know how to insert tampons.

I can see you. [Uh, yeah.] Great! Then how about tomorrow.

Hi, I'm foreign. I've got Russian hands and Roman fingers.

Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

So you wanna get laid? Then crawl up a chicken's butt and wait.

If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.

Can you help me up? My dick is too big.

Can I borrow 70 cents? (No) Then how about 69. I'm sure you can offer 69.

Excuse me, but do you have tickets? (Tickets for what?) (Points to arm and flex) To the gun show!

You remind me of Pokemon. I just wanna piccachu.

Beww BEWWW Beww (What?) That is the sound of the ambulance coming to pick me up because when I saw you my heart stopped!

Good day for weather.

You know what you and corn have in common? (No) Absolutely nothing! (laugh hysterically at yourself.)

I wet my pants... can I get in yours?

Got two nipples for a dime?

Are you Natasha, my contact?

You must be this beautiful (make hand gesture for small height) to ride the me.

You're so hot, your ass is on fire.

If you were a dwarf, you'd probably say I got a big dick.

You know, when you and I get old and your son/daughter comes up to me and says 'Daddy, how did you meet mommy?' I'm gonna have to tell him/her how quiet you were, or how difficult you were being.'

OK, it's not very big and I'm not very good, but I've got the cutest little way of getting on and off.

Drive around like a car and make screeching sounds and say 'Uh, sorry, my uh, breaks aren't working well. Where are you headed?'

Excuse me. Do you have chicken in your fridge? (yes) How big are your breasts?

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

Um, you have really beautiful.....uh....eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is... You have a nice forehead. (Messing Up) Do you believe in when I walk by..... (To yourself) Oh Man, shit, STUPID STUPID STUPID!

If I stuck my cock in Ajax for an hour,would you suck it? NO!! Dirty cock sucker!

Ever tried to poop into a toilet when there's someone sitting there with you? (nudge with elbow)

I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

You must be an adverb, because you sure do modify me!

Excuse me. Do you put on a foundation before you put on a powder? (Yeah.) Can I have your phone number?

I think you and I should dipthong.

I'd suck a fart out of your ass and hold it like a bong hit.

Hi, I have my own place... well, my own room... in my parents basement...

Put a pen and a $20 in your pocket. Approach the target and take out the twenty and the pen. Rip the $20 in half and write your number on one half. Give the target the other half, then say call me tonight so we can figure out how to send that money, and walk away.

Did you invite all of these people? I thought it was just going to be the two of us.

Your graphics are so beautiful that they rival Doom 3.

Can I try a few pick up lines on you? [give some good ones and some lame ones] OK, I have just one more line for you: Can I try a few pick up lines on you?

(Rub her forehead) Did you know that you've got 'threesome' written on your forehead?

My name is Justin. Justincredible.

Hey, there. I've got a question for you. What's the speed limit of sex? (I don't know) 68. Because at 69 YOU have to turn around!

Excuse me, but would you like to hold the priesthood?

If you were my sister/brother, incest would be cool.

Was your father a 'meat burgler'? It looks like somebody took fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress!

What's in a name?